The Way Things Are

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So I might have said something recently about not blogging about trying to conceive. And I might be going back on that already. A girl has the right to change her mind, right? I could rationalise that I’m still not blogging about the two week wait, just pregnancy in general. But really, that’s one of the things that I love about my blog is that I have the ability to be completely inconsistent on a whim.

I mostly feel right with myself as far as the whole trying to conceive thing goes (other than the two week wait when I’m a bit of a mess). I’ve accepted that our baby is just not ready to be born yet. That given enough time and patience things will happen in their own time. I’ve done what I can do to make sure there are no problems that are physically stopping us from getting pregnant. And while I might have been secretly disappointed that there wasn’t a physical impediment (something fixable) – it does ease my worries somewhat. I’ve gotten to the point where I can really appreciate all of this one-on-one time I have with Riley, and that there are many things to like about being the mother of an only-chid.

You can feel the but, can’t you? It’s just sitting there, waiting for me to stop rambling. And there is a but, a rather large one.

I have always liked the idea of having a large family, not 3 kids large but 5 kids large. I have always (of course) reserved the right to change my mind. Knowing full well that we might have 2 children and decide that we were done. But that was my dream. Josh stopped short of 5, settled on the idea of 4 – but again had a we’ll see kind of attitude. And therein lies my problem with trying to conceive. It’s not that this baby is taking their sweet time to make an appearance, it’s what that might mean for the future.

Does it mean it will always take me 12 months+ to get pregnant? I’m 32 now. In some ways I still have loads of time. In other ways if there’s a 2-3 year gap between pregnancies would I be ok with having a baby at 40? Or is my big family dream something that I will just have to kiss goodbye. Of course, next time around we won’t be waiting to try and get pregnant. But I also don’t want to stop breastfeeding early in the hopes of getting pregnant.

I know that it’s pointless to think about all of these hypotheticals, particularly when I’m not even pregnant with our second baby yet. But still, I do. And I don’t think I can change that. At least not anytime soon.

I would like to be able to live in the moment, right now, all the time. And be completely grateful with what I have, instead of thinking about what i might not have in the future. But I’m just not there yet.

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http://www.mummy-mayhem.blogspot.com Jodie at Mummy Mayhem

You know…you remind me of myself when having my kids. I would think about so many “what if’s” all the time. Hubby would say, “Don’t worry about it. What will be will be.” And that’s always easier said than done.

So, I’m not going to tell you to do that, because I don’t think it’s very helpful. What I’ll say instead, is don’t worry about worrying. We can’t help it. It’s what we women, and mothers do! But do know that everything will work out the way its supposed to.

I had my first son just 6mths shy of 32, and now I have 3, so as far as I’m concerned – don’t worry about your age. My mom had me at 42! And you know, even tho I had 2 sisters, because we were so far apart in age (17 and 21 years), I grew up like an only child. It was pretty good. So *if* that did happen for you – it’s most certainly not going to be the end of the world. You are blessed.

Good luck. Everything crossed for you! x

http://goodgoog.com Zoey @ Good Goog

That’s true – I hear 40 is the new 30 And chances are we’d decide we weren’t up for years of night-waking again way before getting pregnant was no longer an option.

http://ceaselesspraises.blogspot.com Carrie

I know what you mean, I feel the same way about wanting a large family – about 5 kids, like you said, and then when you have to wait for one, that puts the rest of the babies on hold as well… I really do hope it happens soon for you, though!!! Praying for you!

http://goodgoog.com Zoey @ Good Goog

Oh, a fellow big family person! I am not alone! Thanks Carrie – I hope it happens for you soon as well (even though you’re not trying-trying)

http://blogswithwings.com Blog Angel a.k.a. Joella

I had a millionaire’s family and stopped with 1 boy and 1 girl. But that’s just me. I just don’t have the patience and organizational skill it takes to manage too many things at once. Add to that that I am A.D.D. and so is my son. Now that was a challenge. He’s all grown up but life is still a challenge for him. And I know that genetically speaking I gave it to him.

Ah the guilt. The wonderful guilt that is motherhood. LOL

Anyway, I hope you get your large family. I was raised an only child and always envied the kids who had sisters and brothers. I’ll think good fertile thoughts for you!

http://goodgoog.com Zoey @ Good Goog

Thanks Joella – I think the main thing for me is that I hope Riley doesn’t miss out on having a sibling – beyond that I think I’ll (eventually) be ok with whatever happens.

http://www.twitter.com/lisanreynolds LisaNReynolds

You’re so sweet, I can almost hear your mind ticking over at a million miles an hour. In Ayurveda it’s called a ‘monkey mind’ – one that won’t stop chatting to itself

It’s interesting the preconceived (excuse the pun) ideas we have of how many children we’d like, usually before we’ve had any, or when we just have one. I can only speak from experience of having two, but it really does change the dynamics of the family on so many levels.

I actually went through a bit of (hormonal) guilt when my daughter was born, as I strangely felt I had let me my son down for not being there for him 100% anymore. The shift in our relationship floored me. It was a very hard emotion to articulate. The feeling was fleeting and it did pass as soon as I got home with the baby and we all got to know each other.

The one thing I did learn was I don’t think I am emotionally wired to have a large family. I just don’t think I could spread myself that far. I’m also from a family of two (boy & girl) so maybe that has something to do with it.

But then you have mothers who are pretty much made to have a bucketful of kids running around, and that’s definitely a beautiful thing.

In saying all of this, the thought of a third does enter my mind now and then, particularly when I see a newborn baby. I mention it to my husband and his turned a deathly shade of pale

Best of luck to you Zoey x

http://goodgoog.com Zoey @ Good Goog

Thanks Lisa. It’s funny, my parents just had two (me and my brother) and for the longest time I thought I wanted the same. I can’t even remember when it changed exactly. I guess I’ll know when we’re done and it’s impossible to say when that will be. I guess the negative about taking awhile to try to get pregnant is I have way too much time to think about it

http://www.happychild.com.au Yvette Vignando

That waiting and not knowing part of trying to get pregnant is so hard. I remember the few years before we conceived our first and the not-knowing was the hardest. If you’ve got dreams for a larger family and you know the joy of having a child , it’s another kind of not-knowing, and I feel for you.

On a completely different matter – that picture with the adorable bonnet (I assume you made) is joyous beyond words – I love it.