The Terrible Twos (and Two Parenting Strategies to Replace Them)

by Zoey @ Good Googs on April 27, 2010

This post is written for inclusion in the Carnival of Gentle Discipline hosted by Paige @ Baby Dust Diaries. All week, April 26-30, we will be featuring essays about non-punitive discipline. See the bottom of this post for more information.

Today I would like to welcome Dionna, who has written a guest post on gentle parenting strategies for parents of toddlers. Dionna is a lawyer turned work at home mama of an amazing son, and is one of those crunchy liberals her parents warned her about. You can normally find Dionna over at Code Name: Mama where she shares information, resources, and her thoughts on natural parenting and life with a toddler.

ToddlerTerrible Twos

Pronunciation:\’ter-uh-bul\’t¸z\
Function: noun
1. An annoying alliteration used to describe the emotional breakdowns that occur (in both toddlers and parents) when parents spend more time attempting to control behavior and engage forced cooperation than they do in nurturing their toddlers’ natural growth, independence, and curiosity;
2. A self-fulfilling prophecy.

Ok, maybe that isn’t the dictionary definition of the “terrible twos,” but it is pretty close to reality. Toddlerhood is challenging, no doubt. But spending the toddler years in a relentless power struggle is bound to result in frustration for both parents and children.

Here is a better definition of the Terrible Twos:

1. Spanking;
2. Yelling.

These terrible two disciplinary measures have detrimental effects on a child’s self-esteem (they devalue the child and lower his self-image), they teach children that violence or anger (physical and/or emotional) is an acceptable way to solve problems, and they promote anger in children and parents. (1) Spanking and yelling never leave either party feeling good about themselves or each other. Following are two ideas for more gentle parenting strategies that are based on respect and cooperation between parents and children instead of control and compliance.

1. Love Your Toddler Through a “Tantrum”

Temper tantrums are usually viewed as something to be avoided (or at least ended) as quickly as possible. We are uncomfortable with and often embarrassed by strong emotional outbursts. Our toddlers, however, are just learning how to express themselves. “Children express themselves not only to maintain their own emotional well-being, but also for their intellectual and social development. Stopping a child from fully expressing his feelings does not stop the feelings, it only stops their expression.” (2)

Allowing your toddler to fully express his feelings has both short and long-term benefits. In the short-term, he will recover more quickly from emotional and physical hurts if he feels that he has been heard and acknowledged. In the long-term, allowing your toddler to experience his full range of emotions will help him “become emotionally resilient and capable of facing and resolving difficulties. [Children] must experience living with emotional storms if [they are] to master them.” (3)

Showing your child love, even in the aftermath of behavior that you find undesirable, is not rewarding “bad” behavior. Your toddler’s behavior is his cry for love or help for an unmet need. Toddlers have no control over their big feelings and how they show them – they do not want to be aggressive or whiny. (4) When you love your toddler despite undesirable behavior, he will feel relieved, not rewarded.

To love a child through a tantrum, make yourself available physically and emotionally. Do not pressure your child to stop expressing himself. Practice Aldort’s SALVE:

(S)eparate yourself from your child’s behavior. Don’t say the first thing that pops into your mind. Focus on being gentle and loving.

(A)ttention on your child. Shift the attention from your own reactions to what is going on with your child. Be present for her.

(L)isten to your child without judgment. Really listen to what she is saying. Make eye contact and ask questions if appropriate.

(V)alidate his feelings without dramatizing or inserting your own. (“You are upset because you wanted that toy.” or “You are frustrated because you could not open the door by yourself.”)

(E)mpower your child to resolve the problem. Don’t rush to fix everything. (5)

2. Love Your Toddler at Her Current Developmental Stage

Expecting more than your toddler can give developmentally sets her up for failure, shame, and self-doubt. Resist the urge to constantly teach and push your child to reach new milestones. Enjoy where she is today, stay in the present with her. Loving a child should be simple: love her for what she is right now. Love should not be a reward for your evaluation of the child, nor should love be based on achievements or behavior.

Loving our toddlers at their current developmental stage can be summed up in one word: relax.

Did your toddler ignore your request to help pick up the toys? Relax. Toddlers don’t understand or appreciate our need for order. Model it, tell her you need order. Let her happily flit around you as you show her how to clean up the toys. But don’t shame her into helping.

When your toddler splashes water all over the kitchen floor, relax. Observe instead of critiquing: There is water on the floor, if someone slipped on it they could fall and get hurt. Let’s clean it up. If your toddler helps, that’s great. If not, she is learning anyway. Would you rather have a content toddler who learned (by watching) that water needed to be cleaned up, or an anxious and upset toddler who was forced to clean by an angry parent?

“When reprimanded, young children are often too scared by a parent’s intense emotions and judgment to be able to even grasp the nature of what is being communicated.” When our toddlers feel safe in our gentle attention and love, however, they “become aware of the many habits and needs of” others and are able to learn social graces. (6)

Our Terrific Toddlers

Moving away from a discipline mindset involves a mental shift: instead of control, focus on compassion. Instead of “molding” or “shaping” your toddler, realize that children are designed to blossom – it is our privilege and responsibility to nurture them along the way. Yes, toddlerhood can be challenging, but it doesn’t have to be a nightmare. When you feel the urge to yell or discipline, take a breath and relax. Imagine how you want the scene to end: with a scared toddler and a regretful parent? Or with a parent-child team that feels safe in a nurturing and loving relationship? (7)

For more ideas on how to transform the parent-child relationship from reaction and struggle to freedom, power and joy, I highly recommend Aldort’s “Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves.” It applies to all ages, not just toddlers.

What has been the most challenging part of parenting your toddler?

Do you try to parent peacefully? What benefits have you seen with your child(ren) from parenting peacefully/gently?

____________________________________

1. Ten Reasons Not to Hit Your Child, http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T062100.asp#T062101
2. Aldort, Naomi, “Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves” at 99. For more on how parents sometimes deal with uncomfortable emotions, see Riders on the (Tantrum) Storm.
3. Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves at 105
4. See Neville, Helen, “Is This a Phase? Child Development & Parent Strategies, Birth Through 6 Years” at 157 (available in part on Google Books)
5. Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves at 7-10
6. Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves at 20-22
7. Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves at xvi

Photo credit: trexor14

Gentle Parent - art by Erika Hastings at http://mudspice.wordpress.com/Welcome to the Carnival of Gentle Discipline

Please join us all week, April 26-30, as we explore alternatives to punitive discipline. April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month in the USA and April 30th is Spank Out Day USA. In honor of this we have collected a wonderful array of articles and essays about the negative effects of punitive discipline methods, like spanking, and a myriad of effective alternatives.

Are you a Gentle Parent? Put the Badge on your blog or website to spread the word that gentle love works!

Links will become available on the specified day of the Carnival.

Day 1 – What Is Gentle Discipline

Day 2 – False Expectations, Positive Intentions, and Choosing Joy (coming Tuesday, April 27)

Day 3 – Choosing Not To Spank (coming Wednesday, April 28)

Day 4 – Creating a “Yes” Environment (coming Thursday, April 29)

Day 5 – Terrific Toddlers; Tantrums and All (coming Friday, April 30)

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  • http://wisdomofthemoon.blogspot.com/ Wendy

    Hmmm, I don’t think I’m cut out for this type of parenting. We’ve done Love and Logic, no yelling or hitting, but definitely some gentle and loving consequences for the type of behavior that makes parents crazy. Because I think it’s really unfair to raise a kid who has no experience with the fact that actions have consequences and the fact that if you behave badly, other people will respond negatively.

    And I absolutely disagree that our little people “have no control over their big feelings and how they show them”. I’ve watched my 2 year old nephew sit inches away from my daughter’s birthday cake for 30 minutes, waiting till it was time to cut the cake. As much as he was dying to take a bite, he knew that if he did, he wouldn’t get any cake at all. I didn’t need to physically restrain him, but let him work out his own self-restraint for himself. Yah, I knew there was a slim chance he’d just go for it and grab a handful, but ultimately it was a chance I was willing to take in order to help him learn the skill of self control.

    I definitely agree that being gentle and caring and showing unconditional love for our little ones is crucial. I just feel that it is possible for kids this young to learn limits and take responsibility for their own actions.
    .-= Wendy´s last blog ..Joey’s Snail =-.

    • http://codenamemama.com Dionna @ Code Name: Mama

      Oh there are *lots* of times that kids will learn that actions have consequences – I can guarantee you that his playmates aren’t talking to him gently after he grabs toys ;) I don’t think it takes punishment for a child to learn that actions can have negative consequences – that’s just part of life.

      And I think self-restraint is a different creature than controlling big emotions. Specifically in the context of a tantrum – kids don’t *want* to tantrum, it’s a really scary, out-of-control experience for them (all the more reason to show them love instead of anger). For scientific data on this part, I’s recommend The Emotional Life of the Toddler (http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Life-Toddler-Alicia-Lieberman/dp/0028740173).

      And you’re right – toddlerhood is about learning limits and taking responsibility, I just don’t agree that there has to be punitive action taken in order for that learning process to happen.

      Thank you for your thoughtful comment!
      .-= Dionna @ Code Name: Mama´s last blog ..Dirt & Discipline =-.

      • http://wisdomofthemoon.blogspot.com/ Wendy

        I wasn’t so much advocating punishment, but consistent real life consequences (maybe there’s a subtle difference between the two, maybe not). Like my sister was able to teach my nephew (when he was about a year old) that he could play with his dad’s crocs (his favorite toy ever!), but not put them in his mouth. She did this by letting him play with brand new (clean) shoes, signing and saying “Not in the mouth” as she touched her own mouth. He could play with the shoe until he put it in his mouth at which point she repeated herself and then took away the shoe. He was upset by having the shoe taken away, but he never associated that with her anger or a lack of her love. She just simply said “Too bad, maybe you’ll choose differently next time,” and removed it. He learned to deal with disappointment (instead of always being given whatever he wanted) and quickly realized that throwing a fit was pointless.

        I would like to stress that the crucial element in all of this was the fact that she didn’t get angry with him, but responded gently time after time. Just like you’re advocating.

        I think experiences like this helps kids to learn to control themselves when it’s a more emotional situation. I have seen him stop himself just as he’s about to freak out, clearly fighting for a handle on his emotions, and then say very loudly (OK, yell) at my sister, “But mom can we please talk about this?” all in a big rush (he’s now 3). I am telling you that I have seen him exhibit more self control than some adults I know.

        I guess you really didn’t say anything about this type of thing in your post, so I apologize that my comment was sort of off topic. I do know a family who expects so little from their child that they’re creating a combination invalid/spoiled brat and I might have inadvertently used your post as a way of working through that issue in my mind. I actually feel sorry for their little one.

        I very much agree about giving them room to work through their emotions and not trying to fix the problem yourself… giving them a chance to do it. And as for my nephew and the rare temper tantrum that he throws, it is dealt with pretty gently at the time, but later in the day, he will have the consequence of an early bedtime, because tantrums are usually a sign that you need more rest (even for adults).

        Also thanks for the link, I’ll be sure to check it out (and pass it on).
        .-= Wendy´s last blog ..Joey’s Snail =-.

        • http://codenamemama.com Dionna @ Code Name: Mama

          Thanks for clarifying Wendy – and I don’t think we’re too far apart on this issue. I’ve taken shoes away from Kieran, too!

          I think there are a lot of misconceptions about these specific peaceful parenting ideas (and the like) – people might jump to the conclusion that I’m advocating to let kids do whatever they want. That’s certainly not true. I guess I’m more of the mindset of using reason & talking points than typical parenting consequences (like time-out).
          Kieran knows that he doesn’t run the house, he knows that he doesn’t get his way all the time, he knows there are things that he’s not supposed to do (and he doesn’t do them!). He knows those things even though we’ve never spanked or put him in time-out or imposed the typical parenting consequences (taking away toys, etc.).

          And while I don’t (at this moment in my parenting life) want to use time-outs, I do acknowledge the fact that parents can use them in a very gentle way. I do have to say, however, that I have never personally witnessed a gentle time-out – they’ve all been used by very angry parents on the brink of losing it themselves. So maybe that’s my own personal baggage with the practice :)
          .-= Dionna @ Code Name: Mama´s last blog ..Dirt & Discipline =-.

          • http://wisdomofthemoon.blogspot.com/ Wendy

            I’m glad that my ridiculously long comment helped to clarify. ;)

            My sister does use timeouts quite a bit and they really are gentle (physically and emotionally speaking). He’s not always happy about being put in timeout (always in the same room, just away from the action), but he usually is willing to walk himself there on his own.

            But I know what you mean about how a lot of people use it in anger. One time my sister was babysitting a friend’s kid and when she put her own son in timeout, the little girl (3 years old), while walking away from my nephew in timeout shouted at him, “And stay there!” I happened to be there at the time and both my sister and I were shocked. I’m guessing that that little girl wasn’t put into timeout gently or without anger. It’s too bad because it really can be a good way for both parties to cool off. Timeouts always end with big hugs and deep breaths from everyone.

            Oh, and thanks for stopping by my site! I’m glad you liked the birthday cake. It was much easier than I expected and totally worth the effort.
            .-= Wendy´s last blog ..Joey’s Snail =-.

  • http://www.thefeministbreeder.com TheFeministBreeder

    I came to comment on the article, but I was really overwhelmed by the amount of formula cans advertised on your site. I’m surprised.
    .-= TheFeministBreeder´s last blog ..Here’s Where I’ll Be This Week =-.

    • http://goodgoog.com Zoey @ Good Goog

      Hi Gina,

      Thanks for the heads up – I’ve been trialling a new advertiser but was unaware (because I can’t see the ads myself being from Australia). That’s definitely not a message I want put out there and I’ve removed the ads.

  • http://www.alotofloves.com Marilyn (A Lot of Loves)

    I will admit that I’m not the best at this type of parenting. I do know that it works pretty well because when I had a recent bout of laryngitis that took away my voice for a week I had no other choice but to parent mutely.

    After that week I vowed I was going to try to parent more like how you describe. It doesn’t always work for me though because even though I WANT to parent like that it’s contrary to my natural personality. It’s a struggle and a process.
    .-= Marilyn (A Lot of Loves)´s last blog ..Making a Bad Deal =-.

    • http://codenamemama.com Dionna @ Code Name: Mama

      I don’t want to give anyone the impression that I parent like this all the time either. It’s something I *strive* for – I have moments of raising my voice, being short-tempered, getting angry, etc. But it’s nice to remind myself of the alternatives. :)
      .-= Dionna @ Code Name: Mama´s last blog ..Dirt & Discipline =-.

  • http://www.thefeministbreeder.com TheFeministBreeder

    Aaaah – that’s better :)

    When my older boy was 18 months old I read Karp’s “Happiest Toddler on the Block” because Happiest Baby worked so well for us. He gave me a lot of great insight into the little “cavemen” in our lives, which helped me see that his emotional outbursts were totally out of his control, and needed to be understood rather than disciplined. I still refuse to do the “toddlerese” but his explanations of their psyche helped me out. I’m fairly tolerant – so much so that one of my teachers at school thinks I’m a “permissive” parent which I TOTALLY AM NOT. I usually think I’m too hard on my kids, where average folks seem to think I let my kids run wild. I can’t win.

    I try really, really hard to be a more gentle parent, and I think I’m better at it than most people, but I’m high strung as it is. I’m manic with a short fuse, and I was beaten nightly when I was a kid, so I’m trying to simultaneously rewire my temperament and my own emotional issues whilst trying to be a better parent. I don’t hit my kids, but I do yell – A LOT. Some days are a win, and some days are a big fat lose. All I can hope for is that my kids see that I love them more than life, and know that I only want the best for them.

    My friends seem to think my children are angels, so I guess I’m doing something right, even if I’ll never feel like I’m doing a good enough job.
    .-= TheFeministBreeder´s last blog ..Here’s Where I’ll Be This Week =-.

    • http://codenamemama.com Dionna @ Code Name: Mama

      (hugs) I wasn’t beaten nightly, but I do come from a house of screamers/yellers and I saw my sisters spanked regularly. I can’t fathom laying a hand on Kieran, but like I said in my response to Marilyn – I am guilty of yelling sometimes. It’s a work in progress. And isn’t that all we can ask of ourselves? To try to improve?
      .-= Dionna @ Code Name: Mama´s last blog ..Dirt & Discipline =-.

  • http://downsideupandoutsidein.blogspot.com/2010/04/solo-parenting.html Mammapie

    I try to parent gently. I try to respond in understanding tones and redirect before little berry gets so wound up she can’t express herself in any way but a “fit.” My hardest part so far has been helping DH respond the same way. He’s more of a “your toys fell over, you dont have any reason to cry!” kind of guy. And it drives me batty.
    .-= Mammapie´s last blog ..Revisiting those baby days =-.

    • http://codenamemama.com Dionna @ Code Name: Mama

      Hugs – that would be incredibly hard. Tom and I are pretty much on the same page, but I’m definitely the more gentle of us two, and it is super frustrating to argue with your *partner* about parenting.
      .-= Dionna @ Code Name: Mama´s last blog ..Dirt & Discipline =-.

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  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/12932508388869573748 Megan

    This is a great article, and such a fantastic thing to strive for. I was speaking to my Mum about discipline recently and I was being a bit harsh on myself – 95% of the time, I’m calm and talk to my little girl about what I DO want her to rather than what NOT to do. But sometimes I just lose it and yell. And Mum said to me, ‘Have your ideal way and do that as much as you can, but you’re only human. Sometimes you’ll be tired, sick of repeating yourself and just over it – and she needs to see that ‘human’ side of you too. But she’ll think back and remember the way you did it MOST of the time.’

    I thought that was great advice.

    It’s hard with a toddler, but I speak to her and treat her like an intelligent person (rather than basic toddler-speak) and others are often surprised by how much she actually understands. And I find that if I speak to her calmly, she is more likely to react in a calm way rather than a tantrum (not always!!).

    I use time-outs though, and I know that’s frowned upon by lots of people. But I do it in a calm, gentle way as I think it’s really worthwhile removing her from a situation before the yelling starts and things reach boiling point. I don’t make her stay there for a prolonged period of time – I’ll say, ‘You go and stand over there until you’re ready to come back and be gentle with the dog’ (for example). And she’ll stand there for usually about 10 seconds and then come back and do what we’ve asked. That way, SHE has chosen to come back, giving her the ability to make the decision.

    I think the crucial parts of discipline are – consistency (with what you do each time, and also between you and your partner), and sticking to what you say (if it’s worth saying, it’s worth sticking to, so I try to choose my ‘battles’ – is it that what she’s doing is actually not great, or is it just annoying me?).

    I also found Pinky McKay’s toddler book really handy – she describes discipline as deriving from the Latin word that means ‘to learn’. So I try to think of it in those terms – what am I teaching her here?

    That ended up being the longest comment in the world!!
    .-= Megan´s last blog ..Writing Out Loud =-.

    • http://goodgoog.com Zoey @ Good Goog

      I’ve been known to lose the plot from time to time. It’s great to have ideals and a gentle approach is definitely what I strive for but sometimes everyone reaches breaking point.

      I sometimes worry that because I’m generally soft spoken on the occasion that I do have an outburst it’s that much more shocking/unpredictable to Riley. But I try to use it as an opportunity to show her what you do when that happens (mostly apologise) and let her know that it wasn’t about her. Even though she’s little, I think she understands a lot.

      I also think a lot of discipline is being congruent within yourself, so because you feel comfortable with a gentle time out, your little one will too. Whereas, if you were doing something you weren’t comfortable with, I think they easily pick up on the emotional confusion/incongruence and it’s lose-lose.

      I am so with you on picking your battles! It does a lot for my sanity ;o)

    • http://codenamemama.com Dionna @ Code Name: Mama

      I’ve never heard of Pinky McKay – thank you for the recommendation!
      I also find that my attitude/voice has a big effect on Kieran’s – he is going to be MUCH more upset when I’m angry.
      .-= Dionna @ Code Name: Mama´s last blog ..Dirt & Discipline =-.

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  • Cassie (theresapickleinmylife.blogspot.com)

    This is a great post. My ds is 11 months and I am just slowly learning about ‘gentile dicipline’. I’ve really only seen the timeout type…so I have no real life experience to it. I like reading about what to do when my ds gets to that age and how to deal with certain things. I guess I get a little worried about what others will think as I’m probably going to be different than most parents. I guess it’s just that I hope my ds won’t cause others to think I’m doing it wrong.

    • http://codenamemama.com Dionna @ Code Name: Mama

      I think one thing that will serve you BEST is to strive for a feeling of confidence, however you decide to parent. No matter what path you take – gentle discipline or otherwise – there will be people who tell you that you are doing it wrong. You will have family who criticizes you.
      It will be much easier if you can at least have the confidence to let all of that criticism roll off your back. But not so much that you aren’t open to learning alternatives :)
      .-= Dionna @ Code Name: Mama´s last blog ..The Joys of Breastfeeding a Toddler #4 =-.

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  • http://edenwild.wordpress.com Lisa C

    This is a great post! I have to remind myself to relax often. I struggle with messes because I don’t like to clean them up. My instant reaction is to prevent them, but then I realize that’s pointless.

    I love that you can see the positive side of tantrums, too. That has been my saving grace. It feels so wonderful to me to be there for him with open arms when he has a meltdown and know that he will feel loved and accepted, and that afterwards he’ll feel better. If only I could have such a positive view on the messes. :P

    And you make such a good point about accepting them as they are, in their development. No need to push them. They will get there when they get there.

    • http://codenamemama.com Dionna @ Code Name: Mama

      I really had to get past my need for cleanliness too. As you know, toddlers definitely don’t have the same need ;)
      .-= Dionna @ Code Name: Mama´s last blog ..The Joys of Breastfeeding a Toddler #4 =-.

  • Mom

    Great post and comments. Sounds like you’re all doing a great job. Follow your instincts. I like the visual I got from the difference in molding or letting blossom.

    • http://codenamemama.com Dionna @ Code Name: Mama

      I’m assuming that’s my mom ;) Thank you!
      .-= Dionna @ Code Name: Mama´s last blog ..The Joys of Breastfeeding a Toddler #4 =-.

      • http://www.babydustdiaries.com Paige @ BabyDust Diaries

        lol, that’s my mom. She is just beyond excited about all the great posts!
        .-= Paige @ BabyDust Diaries´s last blog ..Carnival of Gentle Discipline Wrap Up =-.

  • http://www.HoboMama.com Lauren @ Hobo Mama

    I really love the perspective that toddlers don’t know what to do with and don’t even want these big emotions to overwhelm them. That helps give me some perspective on my role in helping my child navigate through them. Thanks for that! Also, I always need a reminder of the SALVE mnemonic (gosh, that’s a hard word to spell, but I persevered!). Thanks!
    .-= Lauren @ Hobo Mama´s last blog ..SpankOut Day: Hitting doesn’t help =-.

  • http://www.theturkeysnest.yolasite.com Rachel

    So many times I find that James has a meltdown to simply get more attention, or more intense attention, or a different kind of attention than he’s been getting. We have some real consequences (if you have a tantrum and make a big mess then you’ll have to come back and pick them up, if you throw a toy at me/someone else it will be taken away for a while) but usually I just need to let him scream it out and then give him a big hug. We clean up the mess together and move on. Other times all I have to say is “I’m sorry, but I can’t understand what you’re saying when you scream. Let’s try a big-boy voice” and it’s like magic! No more whiny voice. Nobody’s perfect, and I’ve certainly caught myself screaming at him to stop screaming, which ALWAYS takes his freak out to the next level. I love the SALVE idea :)

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