It’s true. I will be sitting at dinner with a group of people and not just feel like an outsider, but the only outsider. I constantly feel like I’m talking too much or not enough. It is so completely PATHETIC – and not in the good old fashioned pathos way, in the uber modern disconnected empty way. I blame home schooling (I was home schooled on and off until I was in year 8). Yes, home schooling an easy culprit. Unfortunately home schooling is hardly an excuse for a personality.
Oddly, when I was reading all of those ‘what to expect’ pregnancy and baby books – which by the way are very informative but miss a huge mountain not dissimilar to everest that you should probably expect – I came across a comment on shyness. I found this comment extremely comforting. It said that shyness is not a personality trait, not a learned behaviour but a hereditary condition. And that attempting to move somebody away from it was not only pointless but possibly quite damaging.
But i’m getting way off track – really what I’m talking about with the dinner is not shyness at all but a hideous lack of confidence where I actually allow myself to think idiotic thoughts like, “my answers are too long”, “I don’t ask enough questions”, “this silence is venturing from comfortable to uncomfortable”. I wish it was different because in almost all other ways I am a very confident person. Which means that I can really loathe this other version of myself, although not entirely – I’m not beyond pathos the old fashioned kind.
My name is Zoey. 
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