Parenting Choices are Not Mistakes

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I came across this on Crunchy Domestic Goddess.

Here are what Lifescript calls the “10 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make:”

1. Sharing a bed with baby.
2. Putting your child to bed with milk or juice.
3. Buying second-hand toys or baby furniture.
4. Showing your child “smart baby” DVDs.
5. Putting kids in the basket of a shopping cart.
6. Sharing utensils with your child.
7. Delaying or avoiding vaccines.
8. Leaving your child alone in the car “just for a minute.”
9. Skipping helmets on tricycle rides.
10. Leaving your child alone in the bath or shower.

Going on that list the only things I haven’t done is skipping helmets on tricycle rides. So I guess, by that standard I’m a big fat failure.

I co-sleep.
Often, when Riley is distressed or teething and asks for a bottle in bed, I give it to her.
She has plenty of second-hand toys
She likes the baby genius DVDs because they are more simple than other shows and are all about the colour and movement
Riley prefers being in the main part of the trolley and if I can coax her into the basket I will.
Sharing utensils is how I coax her to eat the vast majority of all food.
I delay vaccines whenever she’s too unwell to have them done at the arbitrarily appointed time.
When I get petrol, I do leave her in the car “for just a minute”, sometimes two.
And once she was steady on her feet, I do leave her alone in the shower and check on her regularly.

I could easily pick the whole thing apart, but it’s pretty obvious why it’s so offensive. And although some people may disagree with my decision to not remove Riley from the car everytime I leave the car, or to leave her in the shower alone – I’m pretty sure that most parents I know would have done at least one of the things on the list.

The decision to co-sleep is not a parenting mistake. Neither are the majority of the things on the list. They are choices. Choices that parents consider and research and decide upon based on their family, priorities and values. I think mistakes are pretty personal too, I don’t think there are any universal parenting mistakes. But for me, a mistake is something that I would regret later on. Not taking the time to really enjoy being a parent, that would be a mistake. Sharing utensils? That doesn’t even make a ripple.

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Tagged as: cosleeping, parenting

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http://theknowitallmom.com TKIAM

I’ve done 7 (maybe 8?) of the things on the list…not a stellar parenting performance on my part either! I will, however, say that my daughter is now 12, soon to be 13, and is doing very well, thank you very much. Guess I dodged some sort of psychilogically-scarring, potentially life-threatening parenting pitfalls. Phew! PhD in Parenting just wrote about this list as well: http://www.phdinparenting.com/2010/06/02/parenting-mistakes-an-international-comparison/. Interesting it’s getting so much attention. You are right: Choices are not mistakes. Thanks for putting it out there,
Christie (TKIAM)

http://goodgoog.com Zoey @ Good Goog

Thanks for the link! I think I prefer the German magazine list.

http://www.mylittlenotepad.com Rebecca Brown

Excellent post, and I’m totally with you. I’ve also done most of the ‘mistakes’ listed. On fact, we’re even buying a bigger bed so we can continue to co-sleep.

As far as I’m concerned the only parenting mistake you can make is to make choices not based on what’s best for your children or family. That’s not to say there are things parents do that I totally agree with, but I can’t make the judgement that they’re ‘mistakes’.

http://goodgoog.com Zoey @ Good Goog

We have a King bed. I often say it’s the best thing you could buy getting ready for a new baby – definitely the one thing we’ve got the most use out of.

http://www.theradicalhousewife.com Shannon Drury

The basket of the shopping cart? Sharing a goddamn fork? These things are more dangerous than, y’know, abuse or neglect?!

http://goodgoog.com Zoey @ Good Goog

Interestingly, I read on PhD in Parenting that kissing your child is just as risky as sharing a fork. Both increase chances of cavities apparently. So yeah, kind of ridiculous.

http://www.superparents.com.au/blog Colin Wee

I’ve got to say I was reticent about sharing what exactly I did or did not do from the list. Good on you for coming up with this response. Colin

http://goodgoog.com Zoey @ Good Goog

Thanks Colin I did hesitate about sharing, but was irritated enough by the article to go ahead and do it anyway.

http://ceaselesspraises.blogspot.com Carrie

This is ridiculous! Who came up with this list, anyway? That’s what I’m wondering, I’m absolutely SURE it’s not a parent looking back on parenting their children – I’ve only been a parent for two and a half years (today!), but I would definitely list ten different mistakes/regrets that I would change about my parenting!

http://goodgoog.com Zoey @ Good Goog

There are so many other things that are worth worrying about. Admittedly, this list was geared towards mistakes with babies and hence was more safety-oriented than other parenting lists might be.

But, even so, you’d think being non-attentive would be worse than the majority of the things listed.

http://www.beafunmum.com Kelly Be A Fun Mum

Is this list for real? I am a terrible, terrible Mother if I judge myself on this list. She must be a clean germ freak I think. Do you want to know how many I’ve done — um, 9… the only one I haven’t done is the Smart DVD one (probably the most benign lol). I didn’t leave my children in the bath until they were older though (18 months). I don’t skip helmets on the road but I have in the back yard. I co-sleep a lot (most nights we at least have someone in the bed at some point of the night). I have bundles of second hand toys. Of course we have used the same utencils! My son had a bottle until he was 2 (so sue me). HA! I would like the list to look like this:

Greatest mistakes parents can make:

1. not taking time to listen to your child
2. being angry for no reason
3. judging your child on another person’s child
4. not allowing your child to be themselves (whoever they are)
5. fogetting a goodnight kiss
6. not reading to your child
7. missing the ‘love the moment’ moments
8. not looking into your child’s eyes — deeply
9. never sharing an icecream
10.pushing a child to pursue your dreams

http://goodgoog.com Zoey @ Good Goog

I love your list Kelly, that’s pretty much what my list would look like!
http://www.superparents.com.au/blog Colin Wee

Amen, sister. That is a list I can agree on! Colin

http://www.beafunmum.com Kelly Be A Fun Mum

Oh, and Zoey, I like the new blog look.

http://goodgoog.com Zoey @ Good Goog

Thank you!!

http://leechbabe.wordpress.com Marita

What a crazy list!

I’ve done it all. Granted I’m strict about helmets when we go out but not in the backyard and their bikes are the wooden balance bikes with no pedals. But still according to that list I’m a terrible parent.

OTOH I score much better on Kelly’s list and I think that one is far more relevant.

http://goodgoog.com Zoey @ Good Goog

I agree – I think emotional needs are way more important – particularly given that the vast majority of parents are hyper-vigilant with safety issues.

http://www.wanderlustlust.com Wanderlust

Yeah, I’m voting for Kelly’s list. I don’t know why so many people want to heap more judgment on parents. It’s not as if we mothers don’t second guess ourselves enough already as it is. All children are unique. All parents are unique. I say close the books and follow your instincts and find what works best for your family.

http://goodgoog.com Zoey @ Good Goog

Exactly. I don’t know any children if asked how they know their parents love them that would respond – because they never shared a fork with me ;o)

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http://www.superparents.com.au/blog Colin Wee

We must remember that this is an American list and there are major cultural differences between Americans and Australians. After Asia, I lived for years in America – essentially growing up there. And early on I had the thinking Americans and Australians were similar – but boy was I wrong. I now can see how it’s possible for Americans and the American way of life to serious piss other people off. You know what? They really sincerely believe they’re doing the right thing. Colin

http://www.unlikelymama.net Amber

We’re not all like that!
But our media portrays us that way…and therefore people in the U.S. that don’t follow the advertised way of life are seen as weird.
Happy to be weird

http://www.superparents.com.au/blog Colin Wee

Holy smokes! My profile picture has transformed me into a little white baby wearing a kerchief and a pink outfit.

http://goodgoog.com Zoey @ Good Goog

Hey Colin,

It’s the default avatar when somebody uses an email address without a gravatar attached. It’s my munchkin in a pink egg. If you do have a gravatar and it’s overriding that – let me know – because it shouldn’t be!

http://www.superparents.com.au/blog Colin Wee

I can live looking like a cute munchkin!

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http://mommyiscranky.blogspot.com Cranky Sarah

I’ve done all of those, depending on what is meant by tricycle.
Even my pediatrician doesn’t think pushing the vaccines so closely together is a good idea and when the health dept. tried to deny my son’s place in school, their office went to bat for me, after I got no where, since the vaccine wasn’t even legally due for another 4 months.
The more I’m on the internet, the more tired I’m getting of all these people telling others what they’re doing wrong. I’m all about the loving support – except when I need to bitch about my husband! HAHA!
http://www.goodgoog.com/?fcsite=15264543862287796030&fcprofile=06871161649659210629 Lori

Oh dear. Guilty as charged, except for the helmet thing too. If those are the *worst* things mum are doing, I think they’re doing OK!
http://sh1ft.org/blog Tracey

Wow – if that’s a list of mistakes, I should cart myself off to DoCS or the local police station.

Someone else making judgements, I guess, just reinforces what your own values and beliefs are
http://www.unlikelymama.net Amber

I’m guilty guilty guilty…and happily so
http://theshadesofpink.com Sheri

Wow! No parenting choices are NOT mistakes. That’s exactly why there is no one parenting manual out there that works, because we all have to see what works best for our particular families!
http://blogswithwings.com Blog Angel a.k.a. Joella

OMG! That list is hilarious. What planet did it come from.

I have 2 beautiful children, who thrived and managed to live into adulthood, to spite the fact I pretty much made every mistake? on that list.

My opinion is you the best you can with what you’ve got, season liberally with love, concern and attention. To hell with “mistakes”.
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