When I first started blogging about my trying to conceive journey it seemed like it would be helpful. Cathartic even. To be able to vent all my neurotic thoughts and have them out of my head. To have a place where I could rattle on about symptoms and blather on about the two week wait. But 7 months later, I’m not so sure. I’m not backwards about sharing the journey and I don’t mind people knowing that I’m trying to conceive. I’m bad at keeping secrets anyway. Any friend of mine will tell you that. Thankfully, they find that endearing. At least I hope they do.
But one thing I know for sure is that if you want to change how you think and feel, first you’ve got to change your actions. And all of this focus on symptoms, anxiety and in general the negative aspects of trying to conceive, just tend to cement how bad it is in my own head. And yes it is bad. It’s emotionally gruelling at times, it’s a rollercoaster. Sometimes I feel responsible for my emotions as Josh’s as well, because he relies on me to tell him if I’m having any signs. It’s always disappointing, particularly when I get my hopes up. But allowing myself to wallow in it, even in the blogosphere, isn’t helping. I’m going to try something entirely different. Focusing on the other aspects of my life – not on the turmoil that likes to take over once a month.
I doubt that next month, if at the end of the cycle I’m yet again not pregnant, I’ll feel any better about it. Or that not blogging about it will somehow make me feel less sad. Or that like, on a day like today, when Riley wakes up from her nap and rests her head on my chest and closes her eyes for a time in the cuddle, I won’t feel more joy and more sorrow at the same time. But I won’t be reliving it by writing about it. I will be giving my writing over to more interesting pursuits.
I will be persisting with my twitter #jellybeanwatch because, you know, a girl needs some kind of outlet. And I’m truly sorry if you follow me on twitter and the whole thing bores you to tears. Don’t worry, I find it pretty boring too. And I can be thankful, that even when I’m late it’s not by that much – so the whole thing is pretty short-lived.
And today, I was thinking about all of those things, in between crying in bed, crying on the couch (while Riley napped) and crying in the shower (all in an attempt to shield her from seeing me upset – which totally worked – there was no ‘mummy sad’ today). And decided that a far better use of my blogging time during the two week wait would be to focus on new adventures. After all, to me that’s what parenting is all about, an adventure. And I’m an adventurous sort. So next month you can watch out for 14 days of new adventures. Which is very easy to find with a toddler about. Everything new to her, is also an adventure for me.
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My name is Zoey. 
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