Just The Two of Us

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I believe I’ve gone through the five stages of grief during the last six months of trying to conceive:

Denial every month when I convince myself that I am actually pregnant or when I try to convince myself that my period is implantation bleeding.

Anger at myself, at Google, at complaining pregnant people (entirely irrational of course I was a complaining pregnant person)

Bargaining Last month I attempted to get pregnant by tricking the universe. Apparently the universe doesn’t fall for such shenanigans. What an outrage! Which goes back to anger again.

Depression On and off for months (situational depression at any rate). The utter and complete devastation of it wracked my body, heart and soul raw and I was left with a listless shell for periods of time.

Acceptance Well that’s what I want to write about . . .

Now, I’m starting to see the joys of an only child. I love that during the day, it’s just the two of us. When she says a new word, or wants to play or needs my undivided attention. I’m treasuring this time when it’s just me, Josh and her. When she comes into our bed in the middle of the night for a snuggle, resting her hot little head on my chest and I’m not feeding/comforting a second baby. And how I get to be there and present for every little thing, without having my attention pulled in too many directions.

I’m starting to see how nice it would be to only ever have once child and that’s not something that I ever thought I would say.

I’m sure I’ll go through the trying to conceive roller coaster many more times as we continue to try and conceive, but right now I’m enjoying the present and able to love every little smile, every little noise and every little happy dance. I love this age. But then, as you all would probably already know, every age is my favourite.

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Tagged as: pregnancy, toddler, trying to conceive

http://codenamemama.com Dionna @ Code Name: Mama

I sympathize mama – we are in the exact same position. Hugs and baby dust!
.-= Dionna @ Code Name: Mama´s last blog ..Disposable Diapers? Those are so last decade . . . =-.

http://goodgoog.com Zoey @ Good Goog

Sometimes I wonder how anyone gets pregnant by accident!

http://www.worksformehomemaking.wordpress.com Julie

Oh, I can sooo relate. We took 2 years (and one miscarriage) to conceive #1. I was really a bit of a mess. Funnily enough, our number 2 came before we were ready (our kids are 14 months apart), but, although I mostly got “Are you crazy?” reactions from people around me, I was just so thankful that I didn’t have to go through the horrible trying to conceive bit again. It is so frustrating when it doesn’t go the way you plan.

http://goodgoog.com Zoey @ Good Goog

I’ve heard that it can happen that way with so many women – ages for the first and super quick with the second. I must be doing things in reverse ;o)

http://www.blogger.com/profile/12932508388869573748 Megan

It’s so hard. We took 2 years to fall pregnant with number 1 – I know all about the disappointment month after month. I know you’d have already thought of this, but it would be worth going to see a gyno about it just to check things.
.-= Megan´s last blog ..Writing Out Loud =-.

http://goodgoog.com Zoey @ Good Goog

Thanks Megan. I have an appointment on Friday – just to make sure that everything is ok. At least it will give me peace of mind.

http://ceaselesspraises.blogspot.com Carrie

I have been there – before my first, and I know exactly what you mean. I hope it happens soon for you – you know I’m praying for you.

I’m glad you’re able to enjoy this time with just you & Riley – it is so special – when Z was about 20 months old, i quit my job to stay home full time and looking back those were my favorite times with him, from 18-24 months, when he was still my only – I love watching my two kids together now, but it’s just different.
.-= Carrie´s last blog ..How are you? =-.
http://www.amixielife.blogspot.com/ Tamsyn

It’s really good that you can see the silver-lining and are making the most of the one-on-one time with your gorgeous little girl.

It took me well over a year to fall pregnant with our first son and found that denial was the strongest emotion that I felt each month. I was constantly convinced that I was pregnant and would keep testing even after I got my period

Now I am choosing not to go back onto any kind of contraceptive in the hope that our second baby will come when it’s ready. I hope your’s does too…

Hugs and Baby Dust
.-= Tamsyn´s last blog ..All About Me =-.
http://www.anjwritesabout.com Anj (@anjwrites)

A beautiful bittersweet post…and, yes, that time of trying can be exactly that – trying. I, too, wondered, “Why the hell was I so freaked out about getting pg for all those years? This isn’t as easy as they say it is!”
http://www.bad-mummy.com Bec

It took us 6 years, 2 miscarriages and half a dozen breakdowns before we conceived Erin. Each month was pretty much like you said, I’d let myself be hopeful and then my period would come or I’d get a BFN and feel like I’d failed AGAIN.
.-= Bec´s last blog ..So your friend has had a prem =-.
http://www.hearmumroar.com/ Hear Mum Roar

((HUG))I’ve been where you’ve been, and it’s really, really, upsetting. I had secondary infertility with my second child, and it tooks us three years to conceive him. We’re very blessed to have gone on to have a third child, too.

I know the rollercoaster you are on, only too well. You’re welcome to email me if you like, because there were a few things that really helped us, although of course, everyone’s body is different.

I do think your attitude towards a single child is awesome, though!
.-= Hear Mum Roar´s last blog ..Why children have tantrums =-.
http://www.goodgoog.com/?fcsite=15264543862287796030&fcprofile=13027185617605341381 Cat

Hugs to you Zoey. It must be incredibly hard to endure the real grief of wanting something so much and anticipating the joy and then not having it be the reality. I love that you are enjoying your place of acceptance though.

We are seriously considering whether we want to have another little person or not and for all the reasons you have said, I’m not sure that one is a lonely number. Watching him try and put his slippers on as I type, intervening only when needed. I wonder if I’d have such patience if I were juggling the needs of another child in the equation.
.-= Cat´s last blog ..Body is Weak =-.
http://www.amberpagewrites.com amber

I haven’t started the TTC journey for the second time yet, but I’m thinking about it. And thinking. And thinking. How does one juggle two kids, I think? It is kind of nice being able to concentrate on just one.

But still…that nameless baby pulls at my heartstrings.

I hope you get to a positive soon!
.-= amber´s last blog ..My Top Ten Strategies For Keeping It Sexy. =-.
bronstar

Hey Zoey…

I am officially not TTC but have had a few months where I have been racked with a similar cycle of emotions… I understand where you are at and can only think that having a little one already would make it more magnified, knowing the infinite possibility of that journey of life (should it begin) – if you know what I mean!

I HATE Google and all pregnancy forums (yes, admitting that I have frequented a few to try and match symptoms in the vain inkling of a hope that perhaps it isn’t all in my head). Now I just resist and let go… (for now, and for today. Tomorrow could be another story!)

Sorry for long response! I have taken myself off Facebook so I dont have your email or any other way of communicating but I wanted you to know that I’m with you

Riley looks (and sounds, from your posts) like such a beautiful and amazing little soul….

x
http://www.unlikelymama.net Amber

I’m not sure if we’ll try for another one ever. I know I said never ever again, but yea…I said that about having even one, so I’m not to be trusted. I do think though, that I would like to wait till Alexa is at least 3 to do it again.

In a perfect world…I would have another one just a few days before my 35th bday (so I don’t have that nasty add on known as “advanced maternal age” to deal with during my pregnancy). That would make Alexa 5 and in kindergarten, or well..she would be that next fall.

Anyway, sorry to ramble, but I think waiting that long gives me a proper chance to give Alexa all the attention in the world…like you’re giving Riley now.